Am I dead? I must be.
No human being can physically consume 2 bottles of wine, 5 jagerbombs, 2 mojito’s, 3 tequila shots, an entire pitcher of Long Island Iced Tea and still live to tell the tale.
I feel strangely calm about it all.
‘At least she died doing what she loved’ they will say. ‘Getting off her tits’.
I am ready. Take my hand, oh Lord and lead me through those pearly gates!
Let me feed you grapes and plait your beard. Sit on your lap and confess to you my sins.
(I don’t mean that in a prozzy, lap-dancey sort of way. That would be totally wrong. I mean like innocently sitting on Santa Claus’ lap. A family friendly Santa. Not the perverted kind, where people pay to be put on the ‘naughty list’ and be beaten over the bottom with a candy cane).
Blearily, I peel open one burning eye.
Well I must say, heaven isn’t quite how I expected.
There are no angels, for starters. No fat cherub plucking a harp. No Elvis Presley donning a loin cloth and singing ‘A Big Hunk O’Love’.
Instead, I am staring into the eye of a battered sausage. A half-eaten battered sausage.
Whilst lying spread eagled on my kitchen floor.
Oh god. This is not death. This is something far, far worse.
This is the hangover from hell.
I’m not talking the bearable kind, where you pop a couple of painkillers, untag the photo of you shitting in a bus shelter and head off for brunch.
We are talking the type of hangover sent by Lucifer himself.
The sort where every limb feels like it’s been through a Christmas tree shredder. Like a small family of possums have curled up and died in your mouth. A group of primary school children have just learnt to make scrambled eggs. WITH YOUR BRAIN.
I also appear to be stark bollock naked, bar my ancient pair of Winnie the Pooh pants, which depict a map of the 100 Acre Wood. They are by far the most shameful item of lingerie I own and are only worn in times of desperation.
Oh please, God. Please say I didn’t bring a man home in these. Right now, I have about the sex appeal of a courgette.
I peel my head from the floor and look towards the door.
Mens shoes. Oh god. Big brown suede ones. That will be him. They are bloody huge actually, aren’t they? Like flippers. Maybe I brought back a clown. Or a walrus.
Oh Christ. Did I choose to be rogered in my own kitchen? Perform some hideous striptease for him, wearing nothing but stiletto’s a pair of oven gloves? Bend myself over the hob and demand a good porking?
I don’t know who this man is, or where he has come from but fear it has something to do with the battered sausage.
I sometimes find it hard to believe that life has turned out this way.
I led a very sheltered childhood.
A proper country bumpkin, who’s favourite hobbies included bailing hay and accompanying my father to the rubbish dump.
‘Why would I choose to drink alcohol when I can get FRESH MILK from our very own cow?’
‘You’re all going down the park to do balloons and poppers? Oh goody, I LOVE poppers! I’ll bring the paper hats. And know how to make a balloon stegosaurus!’
‘Sorry Ben, it’s really sweet of you to invite me to the party tonight but Mum’s making me my favourite casserole. With EXTRA DUMPLINGS!’
I drove a tractor . I sang in the church choir. I owned a pig.
I didn’t care much for clubs and would rather make my own fun on a Friday night. Such as farting in the bath and pretending it’s a jacuzzi.
But then I moved to London. And all hell broke lose.
It started with the fags.
I had previously written off smoking as a filthy habit.
‘Why would anybody choose to deliberately knock years off their life?!’ I cried to my mother, whilst she vacuumed the dog.
‘I cannot WAIT to grow old. I can watch Miss Marple. Eat biscuits. And sit on a COMMODE! That’s a chair that you can actually poo in!’.
(As a toddler I used to have daily ‘potty and video’ time. This involved being sat in front of my favourite show, usually Playdays, whilst cheerfully laying a gigantic dump. It remains one of my fondest childhood memories. So the thought that I could go full circle in about 80 years time was all too much).
But at uni, my opinion on smoking started to change. Due to one, small fact:
ALL THE FIT MEN WERE IN THE SMOKING AREA.
Like, seriously. All of them.
I soon realised that this dirty, glorious little death stick was my one way ticket to a giant cock fest.
And I was diving in head first.
Being a smoking novice, there were some slight mishaps along the way.
Such as the time I borrowed a guys lighter, locking eyes over the flame in what I considered to be a sultry manner and inadvertently set my fringe on fire.
Or the time I nervously rolled a fag in front of the guy I really fancied, realising too late that I had licked the wrong side of the paper. Therefore making the cigarette baggy and completely un-smokable. Determined not to lose face, I casually took a drag and managed to actually INHALE THE FILTER. As in, it shot straight out the back of the cigarette and down my throat.
It is quite hard to look sexy whilst being given the heimlich manoeuvre.
And then I met him.
They say that love can strike from anywhere. I didn’t believe them till it happened.
Gordon was more than just a lover- he was a soulmate. The ying to my yang. The bean to my burrito.
Someone who warmed me through cold winter nights, lay down with me on hot summer days, and came as my date to every party.
And he went with so much. Tonic water. Elderflower. Orange juice. Cucumber. I’ve even tried him with dried mango, which I would thoroughly recommend.
Ahh that beautiful, strong bottle in that murky green shade.
God, I want my wedding dress to be that shade of green. And my husband’s suit. In fact fuck it, I don’t even want a husband. I will happily walk down the aisle pulling along a bottle of Gordon’s on wheels. Exchange rings. Read vows. Sing from hymn books. Or should I say gin books. HA HA HA.
I’m going mad. I need to get up off this kitchen floor and stick my head in the fridge.
I’m unsure at this point exactly who lies behind my bedroom door, but judging from my recent conquests it will be one of three types of men:
- An arrogant suit wanker, who secretly gets spray tans and lives with his mother.
- A balding man wearing a yellow anorak and waterproof trousers, which I thought last night to be funny and ironic. But now just realise that he loves wet weather gear. And is planning on taking me fishing.
- A genuinely lovely, normal man, who took one look at my 100 Acre Wood pants and ran straight out the door, not bothering to take his shoes.